The Going Away

Last night, I was travelling from Chennai. I was sitting in the bogey, waiting for the train to move. It was late in the night, and there was the usual commotion that precedes a long distance train.

Opposite me was a young chap, with crew cut hair and tough built body. He was having a loud farewell from his friends. When the train left, he was kissing their hands, and the scene was emotional for the observer and for the man too.

I learnt from him later that he was a new recruit to the BSF, leaving Chennai for training. He was going away from home, his girl friend and his childhood friends….all that for the first time in his life.

I told him that not everyone gets such a wonderful farewell, and that he was a lucky guy. He disclosed that all the friends who were with him are army aspirants too, and only he among them had gotten selected.

We all grow up after the first time we go away from home. Till then there are traces of the boy, who keeps showing up once in a while, in a playful moment. After that, its all the man stuff all the way. The friends’ circle, the kind of conversations you have, the kind of jokes you crack, your wardrobe, your language, and all your perceptions. For some, this happens at a very early stage, and for these people there is no major adjustment needed in their attitudes. But for people like the guy I am talking about, and for me too, it would take a very major change that will and has happened.

It is amazing this life thing. It makes you go through so many things, and yet people change always for the better for themselves, this is my own opinion.

Pleasure.....

Yesterday, I decided to buy a water heater, and I did just that. After that I went home and heated up some water and soaked my feet in it. I was listening to some music and what indulgence! It felt like warmth was entering through my soles and permeating throughout my body. Then I cut my toenails and massaged my feet with oil. Oh what pleasure! Oh what pleasure!

Then a real hot shower, in candle light. Farida Khannum was glorifying my hedonism with her fleeting voice and wonderful lyrics…. Jab us zulf ki bath chali…the water was steaming, like my senses at that time.

We are all hedonists. We will all the time seek pleasure over pain, not because pleasure is good to feel rather than pain, but because pleasure is such a convenient allegory to the assurance of existence. Pleasure creates a stratum where pain seems too remote to be able to affect us. It is like a veil that hides the undesirable from us, though not fully, but enough to assure us the permanence of its expression.

The expression of pleasure is infinitely more complex than the experiencing of it. More difficult is giving pleasure, i.e., making pleasure happen. That is because, in my opinion, pleasure seeks a finer niche than pain, a finer point to converge upon. Pleasure always occurs in multiple planes, with each plane that is surpassed leading to a higher level and higher sensitivity.

Pleasure seeks a gratification of a sense or a need to fulfill, like water that must flow down, if there is a downgrade. So pleasure exists as an object, shapeless and expressionless, till it finds a channel. Then it flows into the spirit, and starts ruling it while it can, till reality steps in rudely. When reality comes into the picture, we realize that we had been put to sleep by pleasure and this creates guilt and moroseness.

What prevails....

Empty spaces were meant to be filled
By the mighty fires, that start as simmering
Embers in the meadows of Eden.
The vacuum that once drew the molten
Metals together has become greater,
With the fire that died, the metals forever
Remained as distinct as conceived, as they
Fell through into the depths of the earth,
May be to be brought out again, into
Yet another birth and ensuing struggle.
Disparate persons seek a comforting
Fire to come to terms with cold life;
Who go back to the origin of innocence
With the emotions invoked mutually.
There is a calm before a fury,
Agitation before a failure and
Clarity before happiness.
And cold prevails before a fire is needed…
And solitude prevails before love is needed.

The Ghost

I am a fragrance that was
Once lost in the clouds.

I am a god who was
Once revered in silence.

I am an emotion that was
Once denounced as remorse.

I am a meditation that was
Once broken by a breeze.

I am a tree that was
Once trimmed by a woman.

I am a counselor who was
Once dismissed as a mistake.

I am an elixir that was
Once reproached as a malady.

I am a magical potion that was
Once possessed by a few sorcerers.

I am a mystical herb that was
Once shunned as a wound.

I am a truth that was
Once rooted to earthly reality.

I am a book that was
Once read in obscurity.

I am a brook that was
Dammed by invisible walls.

I am a placid lake that was
Once accused of destruction.

I am the universe that was
Once believed to come around the earth.

I am the man who was
Once loved for the complexity.

I am the raging fire that was
Once sought for its warmth.

I am the silence that was
Once the language of the hearts.

I am the music that
Once made the angels sing.

I am the object of life that was
Once conceived as a theory.

I am the reflection of what was
Once an act of love.

I am a thought that
Once met a poet.

I am you who
Once were innocent.

I am the ghost of the day that was
Once your best to remember.

An account

Today, I am down with a fever. So I decided to sit down in office and write an account of my life after I started marketing trucks.

I landed in chennai after a couple of weeks of training at Indore. I was promptly transferred to Andhra, since my name ended with a “lu”! I was back in the land of my mother tongue. I spent a couple of days in Hyderabad, trying to get to know my boss, who always managed to overpower me with smartness! He is one amazingly smart guy. He actually made me buy the story that I would learn more in vijayawada, than in Hyderabad.

So I landed up in vijayawada, one hot night (remember, there is nothing called a non hot night in my “territory”). I am basically comfortable in any place if I know the following things:
1. where is home?
2. where is office?
3. who are my colleagues?
4. how am I going to sell?
5. what am I doing here?

The point was that I did not know any of these! The first time I tried to get an auto rickshaw was hilarious. I told him I wanted to go to such and such a hotel in amazingly unintelligible telugu. The gulti in the driver understood, and offered to talk in English, again so amazingly….. I managed to get the word Governorpet out of my mouth and he understood. The process of getting to understand each other had taken many jeers from other auto drivers, and about 10 minutes!

The next day started with me calling up the person who was supposed to be transferred to Hyderabad, “balu”. He told me to come to the dealer’s office. I put the phone down and I remembered that I did not know where “that” place was. So again I called up and asked him and again an episode of understanding and tolerance from auto drivers.

I realized that classical telugu was nothing but the addition of one “undy” after everybody or everything that has to be addressed with respect. After that everything is understood and forgiven on compassionate grounds.

I got to know that my territory would include 7 districts, having a total of 3 dealers and 5 service points. And I would have to visit each of these atleast once in a week. So I would be traveling, a lot. I decided I had to rent a house, and so tried the papers. No success. My colleague from Hyderabad, murali, came to my rescue. He found a place for me and I fixed up home.

It was particularly difficult the first few weeks. Everything was either hot or hotter or hottest. The wall was hot. The floor was hotter. The water was hottest. And I did not have a bed or a sheet to sleep on. So I slept like I was the freest man ever born. I slept anywhere in the house.

Those first few days were the most difficult. I did not know anyone in the city. I was running short of money, and I did not even have a fan in the house. And I did not have the time also to go and buy a few necessities.

The few things that had been very dear to me were not with me here. I did not have my bike. I did not have any books. I did not have my music system. Everyday, rather every evening was a struggle against loneliness. I had these bouts of wretchedness, which happened when I traveled and I stayed in hotels.

“I was depressed”

Meanwhile, things were going great guns at work. I was coping well and getting on my own feet rather quickly. And work was the only solace for my soul, which seemed to be suspended in the past and in faded memories.

I was calling up a lot of my old friends, every night. I would lament, I would laugh, I would sound confident, and I would sound proud. And all this while I was regularly missing my meals, and was profoundly sweating, always. The good was that I lost a lot of weight.

I did not notice that I was losing weight till I tried an old pair of jeans that used to be very tight. Then I checked my weight, I had gone down by 10kgs!

All this while I was living like a free animal, rather than a free man! That was the comment made by my mother when she visited me for the first time. My home was transformed, by her, into what I could call a homely home. I had a bed, I had sheets on them. And ladies and gentlemen, for the first fantastic time in my life, I had a kitchen of my own.

I love my kitchen and cook everyday if I am in town. I cook what I feel like eating, and I don’t bother to give them any names. I always cook before 11pm, so I can still have food outside if anything goes wrong. Its been a string of success stories all along. I started with rice and noodles. Now I have graduated to all curries, dosas, chapathis and even non vegetarian stuff. I love cooking and shaking it up with some music.

This afternoon I went home to have lunch. I quickly made some vermicelli, had it with some sauce and pickles, and I am feeling full after a cup of milk and an apple. Food is good and so is life!

And the gulti style is catching up with me too. For the first time in my life I got myself an orange coloured tee shirt! And my conversations are interspaced by telugu words. And my friends seem far away. And so is a society. The coffee shop is my only hang out.

I am sure I will go back to my old life, but I am learning here. I can never feel more insecure than when I landed here that first night. I can never feel more nervous than when I sat down for my deal. There are quite a few extremes I have come to this summer. I can say that I have had quite an adventure!

Street of joy

I went walking down a street of joy…
There was laughter all around
Children were playing on the pavement….
There were catcalls and hooting
Youth was being celebrated
Music could be heard from somewhere.
Couples were cuddling up
Families were thankful for the joy
The elderly had a sparkle in their eyes
That wonderful night of festivity.
The sky was filled with bursting light
The city was dazzling in brightness.
I was gazing in awe and
I felt a hand on my shoulder.
I turned around, only to see darkness….
In the path I had walked.
I was alone.

Dancing by the moonlit river

Dancing by the moonlit river
In a trance I was….lost……
The world was spinning its course
Life was spinning its web
And I was lost in a maze.
I gave up to the maze
Conceded my decisions to its designs
Resigned to a fate full of mysterious turns.
Every turn shows me a new world
Every turn changes my attitude
Every Samaritan seems a friend.
In its passages I have lived my life
Passions carving my next turn
And guiding my next principle.
Its walls have given me legends
And poems so beautiful….
I have fallen in love with paintings
On its listless walls.
I have lived for an eternity now…..
I will dance forever….
I will be reborn with the first drizzle….
I am dancing by the moonlit river….

Let one lamp be alight....

Let one lamp be alight, lest we get lost.
Let one door be open, lest everything becomes dark.
Let one hope remain, lest there be despair.

Let it be the beacon to those lonely hearts….
That grope around listless through
Those mazes in the night and
Are blinded by the day.

Lets keep up the vigil till dawn….
When hope sprouts anew,
When a new day shows her promise,
We start anew with vigor and strength.

There would be strength to see
This weak night through….
There would be joy in the strength
As the light would show us the night’s mysteries.

It would show our smile and tears,
Be it in despair and pain or in faith and hope.
And the one lamp would have touched a
Thousand hearts through this dark night.

Let there be music to calm us down,
Let there be wine to warm us up,
Let there be company to cheer us up,
Let there be light to see.

So, let one lamp be alight….

It was an evening like any other….

It was an evening as any other.
Light was dying as any other dusk.
Birds were going back with gay laughter.
The earth was settling down to silence and the night.

We were walking that daily stretch,
Amid a slight drizzle, with the air damp,
The road straight, the moon serene.
I was holding her hand.

There did not seem to be a future….
Nor was there any past to contemplate.
We were not talking, nor were we thinking.
What was present was ease, with ourselves.

There was beauty all around,
In nature and it was reflected through her,
Clarified to purity by her.
There has never been a more beautiful sight.

My mind plays strange tricks on me.
Who had been a strange neighbor for a year,
Had become my dearest, of immense importance.
I had new ideas, I started flowing.

What had been passing glances
Became moments of worship.
What had been a shallow acquaintance
Became a bond of faith and trust.

She was nurturing me, with care,
And I was growing into a man.
I was happy with the trust and the warmth.
My soul was responding to her calls to live.

We decided to turn back,
I caught a whiff of her fragrance.
I knew she was the one chosen.
I could now move mountains.

We walked on….

To be worthy....

Like how an upturned rock reveals moisture,
You have shown me living life.
I have been purged all this time and
I find you standing in meaning like the ultimate truth.
You are my prevailing charm….
Will you light up my body like how my soul is glowing
With your health and love?
Will you be my temptress,
Like how you are my teacher,
setting my heart on a rasping flight?
What does it take to move the heavens to bless men….
What does it take to be worthy….of you?

The Love Tree

In our heart there is a tree that bears the fruits of our soul.
Of the labors of love and sacrifice.
It blooms in our spring and lies dormant in our autumn.
Beautiful birds perch on its swaying branches and
Consume its seeds and consummate its partake in loving.
It gives to all in joy and takes only pleasure and pain,
Nothing in between.
Through its loving, it spreads across the span of the earth.
May my loving be in giving and not in asking.
May it free me to be beautiful.
And may it come to me like how I have loved you.

The Collector

Your presence lies scattered all around my home.
Like those stars around the moon,
They brighten me to your eyes.
At day, I go unnoticed into another world.
In such times, I gather those stars closer to me,
In a wishful indulgence. Who can explain this
Greed in me to collect what is about you.
Let me be the collector and you can be the creator,
And I will relive beauty, yet again…..

Captured Heart

Not that there is no happiness is my life.
But this life doesn’t seem like a living.
The day looks long even now as it started.
Filled with nothing but myself and sanity.
The climate is wonderful and memories come to me
Of when my soul was warm and cozy in custody.
Now it is free to roam and all it finds is your worship.
Now it is unchained, yet held here by a force invisible.
What can I have left when my heart has been captured?

One Beautiful Thought

In the delightful evening so breezy
The reeds were swaying back and forth.
The birds were rejoicing another day’s end.
The flowers were showing off their evening airs.
And you were there, shining over them
With your embracing silence,
As they received you, tender moon.
They fell quiet at this juncture
As your charm lulled them to sleep,
With a thousand quiet prayers,
With a thousand wonderful memories,
But with one beautiful thought…. You.

I wander alone these silent nights.

I wander alone these silent nights.
I walk those deserts,
Every direction correct,
Every circle perfect,
Every path prudent.

I wander alone these silent nights.
I wade through those brooks,
I scale those peaks,
Every fall is fatal,
Every summit is victory,
Every step an achievement.

I wander alone these silent nights.
I glide over those plains,
Every feature vivid,
Every landmark dwarfed,
Every river a mere line.


I wander alone these silent nights.
I sail those unruly seas,
Every wave is yielding,
Every storm is fought,
Every port is visited.

I have been a mere man,
And this a mere night,
Both among the uncountable.
O’ how small I am
And how much smaller my world.

That Simple Smile

Of the fleeting moments of love,
Of the unfathomable lust and
Of the so very human hatred,
What still remains is that simple smile.
The smile that radiates all over the face
And sparkles in the eye.
From which emanates a cozy warmth.
It feels like the safety of the womb when
The gaze of that smile beholds me.
The moment is elevated into an emotion,
As I choke with my smallness to God,
Who shows in the smile so pure.
In its truth expressed, yet unsaid,
In its meaning so deep,
In its love so evident.

I don’t know what I don’t have!

I am at my lonely best.
In half lived emotions are my days,
As my world shapes its destiny.
In wonderful memories are my nights,
As my soul wanders in those distant meadows.
In bright hope are my mornings,
As my mind is inspired by possibilities;
I don’t know what I don’t have.

Rush....

In what a rush we live,
in what a rush we leave....

With what zeal we create,
with what abandon we destroy....

with what labour we collect,
with what flambuoyance we squander....

with what impunity we fight,
with what meekness we surrender....

with what a heart we give,
with what a coldness we refrain....

with what innocence we love,
with what cruelty we perceive....

In what a rush we live,
in what a rush we leave....

And then.....

There is a sea in my eyes
A desert in my heart
An orchard in my soul
Chaos in my mind
And yet, there you are,
Somewhere within me,
Like a diamond lost in a
Treasure of gold and silver.
And so, there is beauty;
And then, there are these words.

I saw you.....

I saw the sun rising from the sea to its glory.
I saw you in that moment of freshness.
Sunshine on my shoulders and you in my mind make me high.

The moon shines over me in this silent night's journey.
I felt you in that moment of quiet reflection.
A moonbeam on my brow and you in my heart make this moment so lovely.