His Stroke to Love

Today I visited my in-laws in Pallavaram. My father-in-law has had a stroke. He had lost control over his left arm and left leg.

It has been a month since, and he has regained his leg. I should say he is recovering well. He is able to walk now, sit down and get up without assistance. But the same is not true with his arm. He is still unable to grasp things. The left side of his face is twitching when he speaks, resulting in wobbly wiggly speech.

He has always been a belligerent, yet simple man. He has not been tamed. He is forgetful, never shoulders responsiblity.

He has retired from a life of 35 years in the civil service. He did very well in his career. After retiring, he had taken up life as a happy & contented old man. Going to all fairs, expos and exhibitions in Chennai. There was not one day when he would be idle, puttering along with his repeated questions.

He started working in the office of a politician. He would go to work everyday, to make 6000 rupees. He did this to earn his pocket money, so he could save his pension.

He has a history of diabetes and high blood pressure. As would be fatalistically expected of such a man, he would never take his medicines in time, characteristic of his forgetfulness and belligerence. He was not exercising, nor was he on a diet.

He just collapsed one day, was rushed to the hospital and he lost one side of the body, thankfully, not forever.

His relationship with my mother-in-law has always been a fascinating thing for me. She is an exact inversion of him. She is everything that he isn’t. She does things that a man ought to be doing for the family. She hates him for making her shoulder all the responsibility.

Their relationship is beyond my understanding. They are from another generation when marriage was equivalent to buying a medicine concoction from a flea market. You had to make the best of what is ordained, as long as the match comes from the same caste, and within the caste, from a good family. They have never known how to love as a man & woman, leading lives of frugality, self-reliance, self-defense and foreboding.

Both of them have never relied on each other for anything other than material needs. Emotionally, they have been far, far apart.

The stroke has for the first time brought them together on a different plane. For the first time in his life, he is dependent on her, for everything including succor and emotional understanding. He is seeing a different woman, 30 years into the marriage. She is seeing a different man, 30 years into the marriage.

I, all of 28 years, saw what adversity can do to an Indian family. It brings the family together. I see how people can rediscover their lives no matter how late. Things that are boring are boring because we are too bored to look at changes. People change, for sure, and we usually just don’t notice it.

I see my brother-in-law doting on his father. His mother feeding him and supporting him in his exercises without a wince. I see him grimacing, pulling a long face, when he is asked to exercise his fingers, but he listens to his wife now. He is meek, accepting, and adorable. He has just realised what a good marriage can do to a man when he is suffering. She has just realised the possiblity that someone who has just been present all this time, unwavering in loyalty, frugal and persevering can be loved. He has anyways been a loyal husband, a prudent father and an unaffected man. He deserves the loving, though it comes only during his suffering.

The family has opened a new leaf. Each one is experiencing a different sensation. They are changing form what they were when I married into the family 3 years ago. I pray they grow to love and enjoy their old age.